Perfectionism isn’t a diagnosis, but therapy can still help.
Perfectionism-awareness seems to have skyrocketed in the past few years, with more people than ever self-identifying this obsessive way of getting through life. “I just need things to be the way I like them” or “I can’t rest until it is done right”. Many times, people laugh it off as a “personality quirk” but the truth is it can cause emotional stress—which then can cause physical stress—and greatly impact the flow of their daily life, not to mention drive their family crazy. Oh, and it can also cripple their ability to achieve career and financial success.
So if it is such a big deal, why isn’t it a medical diagnosis like anxiety or depression?
Perfectionism is viewed as a personality trait (a way of thinking and behaving) but not a disorder in itself. It can be looked at as “This is just the way I get through my day and my life, by having high standards for myself and my environment.” But, it can lead to a mental health disorder if it causes so much stress that it impacts a person’s ability to get through daily life.
So if it isn’t a diagnosis, can therapy help?
YES. And you don’t have to wait for it to get to the point of developing an anxiety disorder in order to seek therapy. (Side note: In order to use your insurance to pay for therapy, there must be a medical diagnosis so a therapist will explore with you all of your symptoms to see if you meet criteria. This is also one of the reasons that many therapists choose not to work with insurance companies, because they do not align with the belief that “therapy is only justifiable when things get really bad”, and instead believe in supporting prevention.)
Therapy for perfectionism can look a lot of different ways, depending on the type of training that a therapist has chosen. But the common factor will be getting to the root of how perfectionism both helps you and hinders you, and working to shift some of your underlying beliefs about yourself. For example, perfectionism might have helped you by setting high standards for the work that you do, which has led to job security, financial success, and recognition. It may help you manage a smooth-running household, enabling you to get everyone where they need to be and all of the chores efficiently. It can give you the perception of feeling good about yourself…but this is only an illusion because it hinges on things being a certain way, not deep-down self-acceptance.
This is when perfectionism hinders us. It gives us a false sense of wellbeing that is dependent on the belief that “I am only good-enough IF this is perfect…if it is not, it means something bad about me as a person (such as 'I am stupid’, ‘I am a loser’, ‘I have nothing to offer others/people won’t accept me’). These are the deep down beliefs that a therapist that helps with perfectionism can help you shift.
Therapy for perfectionism is soooooo much more than just reading positive quotes or even reading self-help books or listening to self-improvement podcasts. It is a chance to not only get to the root of these beliefs about yourself, but it is also an invaluable opportunity to experience acceptance from another human being, even when you are imperfect. It is from this connection that your literal brain can start re-wiring itself with new beliefs that say “I am going to work hard and do this task well, but I know I am worthy of love and acceptance even if it isn’t perfect.”
Wouldn’t that feel great to say and believe! Get started now in breaking free from the grips of perfectionism, and find the balance of high standards AND self-acceptance.
