Why Self-Awareness Affects Your Relationship

Couples therapy definitely has its place in the healing realm, but most couples therapists would jump for joy if their clients also invested in their own individual therapy too. In fact, many encourage it as the fastest way to healing a relationship, even if they are the most highly trained couples therapist around. Wanna know why?

You bring who you are into any relationship…and that includes your baggage.

We all carry with us the baggage of our past experiences with others—and this doesn’t just mean our past romantic relationships, this goes all the way back to infancy. This baggage affects how we view ourselves and also how we view other people. These early experiences dictate if we believe other people are safe, reliable, and interested in our wellbeing. And since there are no perfect childhoods—newsflash—we all carry some of that baggage.

Your romantic relationship will be the biggest revealer of your baggage.

Because of this, it is no wonder that many people aren’t even aware of their baggage until they run into bumps in their relationship. When that fun “honeymoon period ends”, this is the time when your significant other will push your sensitive buttons (not in a good way) and all those hurts and fears come tumbling out!

You might find yourself saying “You never listen to me”, “I am all on my own in this”, “I have to do it all”, or “You don’t really see me”. And chances are, if you work with a relationship therapist, you’ll discover how these themes go back to earlier times in your life…even when the hurtful events were so subtle that they slipped past your radar!

The more emotionally grounded you are, the more you are able to notice others without intense emotional reactions.

Think about it like this: If the Buddha (or Jesus, or the Dalai Lama) sat down for a chat with your worst enemy, do you imagine they will be triggered in the same way? Probably not, if we make the assumption that these individuals were so attuned with themselves, that anything your worst enemy threw at them, they would not take it personally.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not expecting any of us to have to become the next Buddha or Dalai Lama. But the more you become aware of the hurts and fears you carry and meet these with your own compassion, the less other people can trigger deep wounds and intense reactions. The trick is, many people don’t actually know how to do this…yet.

Relationship therapy brings clarity to triggers, followed by understanding and compassion.

This is where relationship therapy comes in: You get see your earlier life experiences through a different lens, and have someone make connections that you have been unable to see. When this is done with great compassion, that baggage starts to clear out and make room for things like self-compassion, assertiveness, and trust in self.

And when these start being real to you, you start showing up in your relationships with more confidence, better judgment, and a calmer nervous system.