How “I’m fine” Leads to Anxiety and Self-doubt
Quick check: When someone asks you “How are you doing?” is your reflexive response “I’m fine, how are you?” Does your response vary at all if the person asking the question is the cashier at the grocery store…or your closest friend?
Sadly, for many people the answer to that question is no. No matter who is asking the question, their instinctual reply is “I’m fine”, even when they feel like a hot mess. It makes sense to repsond this way to the cashier, but when it is someone who cares about us and our wellbeing, why do so many of us still answer with “Fine….I’m fine…really, I’m fine…”?
The answer might go further back than you think.
For many of us, when we were growing up we unfortunately learned to NOT pay attention to how we were really feeling…and if we did take an internal inventory of how we were feeling, we were not made to feel like sharing this information was welcome by others. As a result, we learned to ignore our inner world—or at the very least keep our emotions close to our chest; sharing them could make other people uncomfortable and lead to feeling rejected, neglected, or even abused.
To make things more confusing, we often get rewarded for ignoring our deep emotions. When we respond with “I’m fine” and other people respond with a smile—and don’t look uncomfortable and move away—we start to learn “The way to keep connection with others is to not share how I am really feeling.” Each time we are “rewarded”, we are encouraged to keep doing the same thing to get the same reward (a semblance of connection).
This becomes our pattern, our way of life. It can feel like who you are.
The problem is, over time the build up of our most vulnerable emotions begins to take a toll on us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When vulnerable emotions stack up like a tower of blocks, at some point the tower will collapse because we are not actually designed to hold all of those emotions! When the tower falls, it can look like:
Anxiety attacks from minimal triggers
Panic attacks from no obvious trigger
Increase in irritability
Poor ability to focus
Increased levels of stress, at home and at work
Fear to take reasonable chances/fear of failure
Relationship issues
Mom rage
Emotional meltdowns
This is where therapy for anxiety/self-doubt can come in. For the first time, you can experience someone who is both compassionate and sturdy who is welcoming of all of your truest, deepest emotions; this is pivotal in starting to create a new belief that says “My feelings actually do matter, and the right people will come closer to me—not further away—when I share them.” When this happens often enough, it is like removing some of the layers of that emotional tower; emotions no longer come spilling out in unpleasant (for everyone) ways. Truer, deeper connections form with others who are desiring and capable of the same compassionate-sturdiness.
It can be challenging for people who have been so conditioned to not pay attention to themselves to make the choice to start therapy for anxiety/self-doubt. But working with an anxiety therapist can honestly impact every area of your life—relationships, family, work, and even your finances…so from that standpoint, maybe it is “worth” leaving the “I’m fine” response for the cashier in the grocery store, but exploring a whole new possibility for the rest of your world.
