Managing Grief Through the Holidays
No matter which ones you celebrate, the holiday season is meant to be a joyful time of celebrating with the ones you love…but what happens when you have recently lost one of the most precious people in your life? Suddenly the time that is supposed to be filled with connection, joy and laughter has an unwanted visitor: Grief.
You might have already been riding the different waves of grief since your loved one passed, or you may be in the place where you thought “I have made it through grief, now I am going about my new life”—only to be hit all over again with a new wave of grief at the holidays. This is especially true if this is the first holiday without your loved one: all of the special memories come flooding back and the usual holiday traditions just don’t feel the same.
If this is feeling like you already (or you are bracing yourself for the weeks to come), here are some tips to help you through:
Allow your grief. There is no sense in trying to stuff it down like it is not there; this will only contribute to it erupting like a volcano later on or even contributing to health problems down the road. Carve out some time to allow it to be there. Write your loved one a letter, light a candle and “chat with them”, have a cup of coffee or tea with a trusted friend that will let you grieve, or journal about all of the emotions and thoughts that are coming up. If you need support with this, connect with a grief therapist to help guide you without judgment. Whatever your method, let the emotions flow.
Find your balance of interacting with others and creating quiet time. You might not feel up to all of the usual holiday gatherings, and that’s ok. You might also not want to completely isolate yourself either, so find the balance that makes sense for you. Choose the ones that will feel most rewarding and restorative.
Prepare yourself for those emotional questions. When you are seeing family and friends for the first time since your loved one passed, many will have understandable questions that range from “How are you doing? (with that bit of extra sympathy in their tone) to “Should we set a place at the table for ____?” Be prepared for how you want to best respond to these kinds of questions; while we can’t plan for every possible scenario, having a response in mind can help prevent overwhelm in the moment.
Choose how you might like to honor your loved one. Do you want to light a candle for them at events? Set a place for them at the table? Put up a special photo? Carry a memento if them in your pocket while at holiday events?
Choose how you want to keep or amend your traditions and rituals. Whether it is decorating the Christmas tree while listening to certain music, hosting a family meal, or attending a specific religious service, it may provide you some comfort to keep things the same. But you are also free to amend these traditions to what aligns with you now. This might feel like a betrayal to your loved one, but my hunch is your loved one wants most of all for you to be happy (or as close as you can get to it right now).
If the holiday season starts to feel too overwhelming, or if your grief doesn’t feel welcome among your family and friends, then working with a grief therapist might be just the gift your heart needs this season.
