How spirituality can help you with grief—even if you’re not religious
Loss of one kind or another is inevitable. It can come in the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the end of a career, or even the loss of the life you thought you would have. And no matter the type of loss, it brings with it it’s unwanted companion: grief. It hits all of us differently, which makes it extra confusing when our grief shows up differently than the people around us or from what we see on T.V. or movies.
So if it is inevitable, how do we make it through grief?
Most of us have heard that there are different stages of grief such as shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Some people also have learned that the stages of grief do not happen in a predictable or linear way—instead they can unfold in a mess of chaos and leave you wondering what is coming next (or have you thinking “Wait—I thought I was already done with this stage—how did I end up back here?”
Ironically, by reminding yourself that there grief shows up differently and that there is no defined pattern, it will actually help reduce it’s intensity. Here’s why: if you suddenly were hit with a wave of sadness after you thought you were “done with that” and had moved on to acceptance, you then would be piling on a sense of failure and/or a fearful response to unpredictability—now everything feels worse. But if you know that this is “normal”, then you are at least preventing those additional unpleasant layers of guilt and helplessness.
What does spirituality have to do with any of this?
First let me mention how spirituality is different than being religious, though sometimes they overlap—but not always. Being religious suggests that a person identifies with a specific religion, which at its core is an organization that promotes specific beliefs, rituals, and practices. Spirituality is your personal connection with something greater than yourself that seems feels benevolent and helpful. These two can overlap when people identify with a specific religion and also identify their personal way to feel connected to the Something Bigger (God, Allah, the Buddha, etc). More and more, people are identifying as “spiritual but not religious” and they might say things like “I believe in Something” or “I believe in God, just not the one in the Bible”; they have found their own way to connect to this Something Bigger that often “takes out the middle man” of someone telling them what they should do or what they should believe.
No matter how you might define this for yourself, here is how having a sense of spirituality can help:
1) It can give you a sense of not being alone in the most difficult stage of your life.
In times when we can feel the most alone and the most misunderstood, it can be helpful to sense that Something is there with you. This doesn’t mean that Something is there to erase the pain, but rather to comfort us that we are not alone and unseen in our grief. This is especially helpful if we have not been provided good resources of comfort in our lives, or if we never learned how to feel safe in grieving with others.
2) It can give you a sense of guidance on Big Life Questions.
When grief hits, we can also be hit with Big Life Questions like “Why did this happen?”, “What am I am supposed to learn from this?” and “What happens after we die?”
Religions often offer specific answers to each of these questions, which can provide its believers with a sense of direction.
Those that consider themselves “spiritual but not religious” initially must face some of these questions on their own, with no clear answers. But, if they learn to follow their curiosity to explore different ideas, interpretations, and experiences, they often come to a deeply authentic answer to these questions.
Grief therapy can be helpful with both of these factors as well, especially if the therapist encourages exploration of different spiritual perspectives.
